How easily I can fall into old patterns.
When I was diagnosed a few weeks ago, I was calm. I felt deep within that this was all happening for a reason and this reason was between God and me. I knew I could heal but was not certain if I would be cured. Somehow this was alright in my mind.
Well, as time has gone on, I have talked with others about this diagnosis. I am now noticing a trend...a pattern of needing attention and holding onto self-pity is developing and taking hold. These are very dangerous roads to go down.
Additionally, I am stepping back into the past and attempting to hold others responsible for my predicament! "Why didn't that doctor, who I thought was so great, take me seriously ten years ago and just order the tests I knew I should have? Why didn't the hospital, when I was admitted for seizures in 2013 catch what was going on then? Why didn't anyone listen to me or take me seriously?
All of this is counterintuitive to my healing. I cannot hold onto the past with both hands and at the same time, live in the present. Once again, I must stress that we write our own stories in our life for reasons we may never know. We are responsible if we get trapped in the pages of our own book.
For this reason, me must become eagle eye editors of our manuscript! We must be excruciatingly honest with ourselves and why we have lived the plots we have written. The only way to heal is to truly forgive the past so we can change the ending to our book. We cannot do this by reliving moments over and over again so that we feel justified and angry about who did or didn't do what to us.
Nothing outside of us should have more power than that true Being and Self that is within us. Be still, go within and look deeper. You will connect to your own magnificence and remember your purpose for everything. This is pure bliss!