Thursday, April 23, 2015

Falling Back Into Old Habits

How easily I can fall into old patterns.

When I was diagnosed a few weeks ago, I was calm.  I felt deep within that this was all happening for a reason and this reason was between God and me.  I knew I could heal but was not certain if I would be cured.  Somehow this was alright in my mind.

Well, as time has gone on, I have talked with others about this diagnosis.  I am now noticing a trend...a pattern of needing attention and holding onto self-pity is developing and taking hold.   These are very dangerous roads to go down.  

Additionally, I am stepping back into the past and attempting to hold others responsible for my predicament!  "Why didn't that doctor, who I thought was so great, take me seriously ten years ago and just order the tests I knew I should have?  Why didn't the hospital, when I was admitted for seizures in 2013 catch what was going on then?  Why didn't anyone listen to me or take me seriously?  

All of this is counterintuitive to my healing.  I cannot hold onto the past with both hands and at the same time, live in the present.  Once again, I must stress that we write our own stories in our life for reasons we may never know.  We are responsible if we get trapped in the pages of our own book.

For this reason, me must become eagle eye editors of our manuscript!  We must be excruciatingly honest with ourselves and why we have lived the plots we have written.  The only way to heal is to truly forgive the past so we can change the ending to our book.  We cannot do this by reliving moments over and over again so that we feel justified and angry about who did or didn't do what to us.

Nothing outside of us should have more power than that true Being and Self that is within us.  Be still, go within and look deeper.  You will connect to your own magnificence and remember your purpose for everything.  This is pure bliss!

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

I Am

Everything I thought I was is no longer.  Everything I believed was important has no meaning any longer.

I am literally stripped bare emotionally, physically, spiritually.  I am left to wonder who or what I am now.


I know this is an opportunity.  Perhaps the greatest opportunity I will ever be given.  

I cannot lie...I am terrified.

Today is brand new...I am not frightened today!

As I was stepping out of the shower, I realized I am not my body, I am not the frightened little girl who was trapped in the pages of her own storybook - telling a story of a frightening world and people who would disappoint...I am someone I cannot describe in words.  

I am ancient cosmic energy that was created in the purest and most powerful love - that is as close as I can get with words.  

I seek out and have experienced all corners, if there are any, of the universe.  I float effortlessly amongst all creation acknowledging the beauty, the power, the Oneness.  

I am.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

True Beauty

"Problems and strife come as a result of our not knowing who we are and not being able to show our inner beauty. We’ve created so much judgment about what’s “perfect,” which leads to doubt and competitiveness. ".   Anita Moorjani  Dying to be Me

I think we all struggle to find and accept our beauty.  We believe the advertisers who tell us we cannot be beautiful unless we do this, buy that, etc.  We are rarely at peace with our beauty in the moment, because we are committed instead to BECOMING beautiful.

Since I was given the "bad" news about my health, I have had several moments in the last couple of weeks where I look in the mirror and see my own beauty!  It may start with a recognition of the exterior, but then it goes much, much deeper.  It is almost as if I am perceiving myself from the inside out and the Self that I am perceiving is glowing with incandescent light.

This is such a foreign concept to me that at first I did not recognize myself or even believe in what I was seeing.  I kept waiting for the illusion to disappear!  As I sat with the image a bit longer, I accepted this inner being as the Me/Self that was created at the beginning of time and will continue on forever.

I felt in someway that I was meeting mySelf for the very first time!  More importantly, I was captured by the immense beauty, power and love that was Me and exuding from Me.  I felt beautiful and blessed in a way that no superficial view of myself could ever offer.

All of this is coming from my willingness to "Look Deeper"; to release the past and the fear and anger that went with it; to forgive myself for the skewed perspectives I held on to for so long; to release the patterns of self hatred; to see the golden and silver threads that connect us all as an ancient and infinite energy that can never be divided; to allow each day to be a new beginning where the past is nonexistent and I am healthy, loved and have completely and spiritually surrendered.

“The reality of my life cannot die for I am indestructible consciousness.”~Paramahansa Yogananda

"Because the external world is simply a reflection of our internal world.  And the internal world gets knocked around daily by the circumstances that occur in the external world.  Life is a delicate dance of internal alignment and external circumstances."
- Ruth Lera

Saturday, April 18, 2015

Sweet Spiritual Surrender

Sweet Spiritual Surrender

As I continue to reflect on the themes in Dying to be Me and how this book relates to my imminent health crisis, I realize the topic of surrender must once again be addressed.

So what does it mean to surrender?  Some may consider surrender an acceptance of defeat in that they believe nothing more can be done by their own will, so why fight it?  They have lost the battle so a sense of melancholy takes hold.  This is simply another game of the ego and has nothing to do with sweet spiritual surrender.

True surrender is an all pervasive acceptance that the little self is no longer in charge and could not be because the larger Self has merged into a oneness with the Creator/Source/God and the power that comes from this merger is phenomenal!

I have had two life threatening situations - one being mowed down purposely by a car while on my bicycle and the other when I was cut off in rush hour traffic and I spun my car around into oncoming traffic (specifically an oncoming truck) on the busiest freeway in the U.S.  In both these situations, I had absolutely no control over what the final outcome would be.

It was in the moment of knowing this that I surrendered completely.  In both instances my consciousness went straight to God and I merged my higher Self with the Creator's power!  

In that merger, deep and profound peace entered every inch of my being.  I had no doubt that I was being cared for by such tremendous and powerful love that I felt totally safe.  Whatever might happen was no longer my concern because I was infinite and loved in a way my human self could not understand.

As I surrendered fully, I felt the impact of the car with my bike and my body.  At that same time, I felt the hand of one angel take my left shoulder and the hand of another angel taking my right shoulder.  Ever so gently I was lifted up and placed onto the street.  My head went back and connected with the asphalt but I felt nothing.  The only proof of this was the deep gouge in my helmet.  The driver and his passenger laughed at me and drove away.  Everyone who witnessed this thought I was dead.  I had one tiny puncture wound in my lower leg!

The incident where my car spun around was just as dramatic.  As I faced the truck coming at me, I saw the driver gesturing madly trying to get me to move out of his way!  I raised my hands up and again in total peace, I shrugged at him!  My thoughts were gone as I had become pure awareness.  My car came to rest on the side of the freeway facing backwards, but it hit nothing!

For whatever reasons, I was not supposed to transitions on those days.  I will never forget the powerful experience of giving up all control and feeling such extraordinary bliss by doing so.  This is not easy to do in our everyday lives, but we must strive to achieve this sweet spiritual surrender so that we may know ourSelves as One with God and we may experience this incredibly peace and bliss that follows.

In so doing, we have no other option but to live fearlessly!

Friday, April 17, 2015

Living Deeply, Fully and Fearlessly

I am learning to live fully!  To embrace the ancient and awesome wonder of this Universe and all of us who have existed for eons upon eons!

I continue to hear, "Look deeper."  

I am not always sure how to look deeper, but I find that if I become still and relaxed, then I am treated to a blissful knowing, by means of a vision, that gold and silver filaments seem to weave in and out connecting everything and everyone in a beautiful web of love, energy and power.

As I continue to awaken each morning knowing I have no past, but only the moment of now, I am celebrating in a way I never imagined possible!  

As I breathe, I breathe with everyone.  As I cry, I cry with everyone.  As I heal, I heal with everyone.  As I laugh, I laugh with everyone.  As I love, I love with everyone and everything across and through the span of time and space - I expect nothing, I demand nothing.  I can only give and receive as if love is my breath, inhaling and exhaling without conscious control.

This is life, experienced deeply, fully and fearlessly!

Leaving the Past to Heal

Continuing on with the themes of Anita's book (Dying to be Me), I must admit to myself what I believe has caused my state of ill health.

While I can identify what makes sense physiologically, etc.,  I know that is not the true explanation for why I am so sick.

I spent the majority of my life consumed with self doubt and self hatred.  I never measured up.  For years, I blamed my parents for this but have discovered that this was never the case.  

I have already explained how I gave away my inner power to people, places, things and circumstances outside me.  In essence, I created, through my perception, all those people, places, etc.  I made certain that I was judged at every turn....I guaranteed that I would disappoint.  Because of this and my view that the world was a place to be feared, I loathed myself and my existence, even if I achieved success.

No one can live a healthy life with this degree of self hatred and anger seething and swimming through their body.  It is a wonder I have made it this far!

By recognizing this pattern, I have begun to heal.  In releasing these old patterns and my past, I will continue to heal.  

"Every morning we are born again.  What we do today matters most" Buddha

In reading this, I understood that all my yesterdays and what existed within them are gone!  As of this morning, I woke up completely healthy and restored!!  How powerful and beautiful that we are essentially resurrected every morning as our eyes greet a brand new, perfect world.

Look Deeper Part II

Here's is my Part II to learning how not to make people, places and things outside of me so powerful that the me inside is diminished.

Not only did I begin to resent and fear those I gave so much power to, but I also ended up making them my other words, I only defined myself by their views or reactions to me!

I think we can all see how that means we never live in our true self, nor can we even figure out how to find that true self.

So, enough analysis and talk.  It is time to get quiet and go within fearlessly, but also with absolute faith that each of us will find and connect to Self.  Then we no longer need anyone or anything without to reflect or define us.

Instead we are free to live and love purely and powerfully without expectation or judgment!  We, in effect, live and love fearlessly as Anita exclaims!I had a truly amazing experience this morning!

Look Deeper

Yesterday I received some devastating news about my health so I have been in a bit of a fog.  I realize however, that I have been give an opportunity to truly heal the deepest parts of myself!  I have also been give the chance to deepen my connection to and faith in my Creator!

Today I am out getting prescriptions and as I wait, I begin to hear a faint hum and feel an energy rising through me.  I see the people around me, not as physical beings, but as pure energy and creation.

Suddenly I hear a voice (yes, that still small yet powerful voice we all know) say to me:

"Look deeper...go beyond what you think you see and know!  As you do, you will truly know me and yourself as ALL of creation.  Finally you will be a creator yourself."

What a difference a day makes when we ask for guidance and surrender to that guidance.