Thursday, July 29, 2010

Diving into the Deep End of Faith

In the last few months there has been a great deal of activity on an energy level. We are approaching a galactic alignment that only happens once in many thousands of years as well as experiencing a shift from the Age of Pisces into the Age of Aquarius. All of this has had an effect on humans, especially those of us who are extremely sensitive, intuitive and empathic. Woe to you if like me, you are all of these!

I have been struggling a great deal with my human ego side! Add to that a birthday this past week and I was almost completely undone by it all. My birthday was lovely although I had a bit of a meltdown when I received gifts of clothing which I had specifically told my family NOT to buy for me. Ever since the RSD and fibromyalgia, I have struggled with regulating my temperature and unfortunately, the struggle continues. I am unable to wear heavy materials or long sleeves unless they are cotton and somewhat loose; otherwise, I will get very warm and cannot cool off unless there is a walk in freezer nearby!

I felt that I had been exceptionally clear with my family about this, but apparently I was not heard. Needless to say, that has been the story my entire life so by the end of the weekend, stick a fork in me, I was done! I began to cry and let out years of anger at my family for all the perceived injustices done to and against me!

In addition to the birthday upset, I have tried for quite a while to include my family in my work.
Because they are not at all spiritual, they will not even attempt to understand what I do and they continue to hope and suggest that I will find a normal job! It has become so stressed that when we gather for family celebrations, no one will talk to me about anything because they are so fearful of opening up the can of worms called “Awaken to Spirit”.

My recent financial strain has also made life downright difficult. I have always had an unhealthy relationship to money. As a young person, I saved everything without know why I was saving it! I never understood that money must circulate to be useful or to even grow. My father was a child of the depression and as such, he learned that one must get a graduate degree or doctorate (He is an Oral Surgeon), work at a job for many years (even if you hate it) invest wisely and retire. Additionally, I always felt that we were controlled by money because my father wanted us to have everything that he never had as a child; unfortunately, my perspective was so different from his because I grew up in the 1970's!

After graduating from college and really not knowing who I was or what I was supposed to do, I ended up in a series of boring, go-nowhere jobs. I started my own business which was very successful but I did not understand anything about money at that time, so I became bored and ended up leaving that business for work in the film industry. Then I got sick and was unable to work for almost ten years. At the end of my illness I had lost everything. By the beginning of my forties, I had total poverty consciousness.

When I started working in healing and spirituality, I was convinced I had found my passion and because of this, I would not have any money problems from here on out! I did find my passion, but I was still operating from a place of fear and poverty consciousness when it came to money. I was forced to ask my father to loan me money and this did nothing to help our relationship. I understand completely why he would prefer that I work in a job with benefits and a retirement plan; however, I simply do not do well in that environment. The main point I am trying to make is this: by borrowing money from my father, I ended up taking on his belief system of fear and doubt. This was not intentional but I felt so guilty having to ask for money that I behaved as if I was less than. I did not want to behave as if I were prosperous because that would have been unfair to my father. But, that is exactly what I should have done! By acting as if I were less than and living in poverty consciousness, I kept attracting that same thing to me over and over again and that was more poverty and more less than belief.

As of Monday, I was in a very depressed place. Without understanding that my perspective was off and that my belief system was faulty, I began to blame my dad and my brother. I entertained the idea of severing my relationship with them in order to have the peace of mind and confidence to continue on with my own life and choices; however, doing this never felt right to me. I have always felt sad when hearing about families that do not speak or children that have no relationship to their parents. My mother passed away in 1991 of a sudden heart attack in her sleep and this was devastating to me. Because of this, I have tried even harder to have a bond with my dad and my brother; however, we are so different that this has not been easy.

I spoke with a close friend who wisely encouraged me to celebrate myself and slowly ween myself away from these negative influences. Unfortunately, I am an all or nothing kind of human when I am in my ego mindset, so I kept hearing that I needed to cut the cord and get away from these horrid folks!! Once I got quiet and sat in meditation and prayer, everything settled down. My chatter was able to go away and the hurt and anger I was rolling in also left!

Yesterday as I finished a third day of intense prayer and meditation, my epiphany came! I did not need to sever my relationship to either my father or my brother. What I needed to sever was the belief system I continued to carry around with me that was associated with my past. I was allowing myself to be hurt and upset by their lack of understanding because I was still believing the little girl part of me that said I AM NOT ENOUGH! I was not approaching the problem from a place of wholeness and divinity. I was trying to solve the problem from a very low frequency of human ego, pride and fear. As Einstein has so brilliantly said: A problem cannot be solved by the same vibrational frequency that created it – one must raise the frequency in order to find the solution and then apply it. (I am paraphrasing here)

I had placed all my eggs in the basket of needing approval from my father and brother thinking that if they did not support me emotionally and otherwise in my work, then that must mean something was wrong with me! I even went so far as to believe that their negativity was ruining my business! This was not conscious on my part. I was not walking around outwardly knowing that I was “less than”, but I was going through all the motions of life with this tiny, but powerful belief buried deep in my subconscious. This negative programming was affecting every aspect of my life.

Until I realized that I had placed more power in the approval of my family rather than giving ALL my power to faith and belief in God/Source/Creator, I was causing my own downfall. I was not terribly happy or content each day. My finances were a source of extreme stress. I was living in memories of the past when life was easier or I was projecting into the future waiting for a day when everything would be less of a struggle for me. I felt incredibly alone and isolated – often disappointed by others.

Now, all of this I knew was not my normal state of being. I have done enough work to know that something was off, but I was not sure what it was. I asked for guidance and clarity and boy did I get them! Once I saw that I was living in faith but only on the EDGE of it, I knew that it was time to dive into the deep end of faith and trust pool.

Years ago, I had a dream where I was riding a mule up the side of a steep, steep mountain that came to a plateau at the top. A group of us were on the experience and at the top of the mountain, we would leave our mule and walk to the edge of the mountain where we would jump off and make it safely to the bottom! When it was my turn, I found every excuse or reason NOT to go the edge and jump. Suddenly, in my dream there was a gift shop at the top where I could wander around and buy trinkets – which I did! In the entire dream, I was never able to take the leap of faith and jump. That dream has stayed with me all this time because I knew it was symbolic for me...I always knew that I would have to finally take that plunge and TRUST that I would be fine.

So today, I am diving into the middle of my faith and trusting solely in my oneness with God! I am leaving behind my past and ALL the beliefs that went with it. I feel as if my spiritual growth has taken a quantum leap in one day! I am living for today in the NOW of total freedom and love rather than recreating yesterday with past resentment or trying to predict tomorrow with fear of the future!

On a financial note, I have chosen to not go to my father for help when I need money. Instead, I am working on manifesting the money from Source/God/Creator because after all, God is the most qualified financial planner there is! This is a huge step for me as it regards faith. I did not realize that by taking the “safe” route and asking my father for help, I was literally saying to God “I don't trust you” and “I don't trust me”...In not trusting, I also was then opening myself up to negative energy and beliefs that were never my own.

By taking this leap of faith and releasing my need for approval and resources from my family, I have released all the resentment that I was storing within me. I am so grateful to my father for what he has done to help me and I am more grateful to him and my brother for what they have taught me. They agreed in spirit to often play the bad guys in my life out of their deep love for me so that I would learn some of my greatest lessons – what a sacrifice!

The following are two powerful lessons that I learned in the last few days:

Freedom is only attainable when living in the moment surrounded with and giving love.

No one has ever done anything to have allowed it to be done to you and if it happened, you attracted it or needed it for soul growth. (I AM University)

My mantra for today and everyday from now on is: “Thy will, not mine be done. Thank you for the lesson.” (Paul Solomon)


PS..Let me explain what I believe an “epiphany” is. Put simply, they are moments when we look at something from an entirely new perspective and this gives us a true sense of understanding and freedom. So, in my case, although I have dealt with family issues and poverty consciousness for years, I was suddenly able to SEE both problems from an entirely new point of view! By doing this, I could also see the perfect's as if I simply moved out of my own shadow so I could see the panorama through sunlight more clearly! And what a view I finally had!!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Some Thoughts on Healing & Living

For some reason, I have been having a writers block! However, these are some thoughts and epiphanies that have come to me in the last week...I share them with you and hope they help you navigate a sometimes winding, twisting path in life.


I have been reminded of probably my greatest challenge in life and that is to live in faith when everything in my being wants to take over and live in my intellect or react from my emotions!

So what is this thing we call faith? In the King James Version of the Bible, Hebrews 11:1 says this:
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

This is a tall order...believing that what we desire will happen even when we cannot see the proof of it coming to us. Most of us have trouble with this. We are far more comfortable being intellectual and educating ourselves on issues so that we can make sound decisions. Unfortunately, what I see in the world is that most of us continually feel we have made the wrong decisions in life and we are held hostage not only by these decisions, but by the consequences of them as well. All the education and knowledge in the world does not guarantee that our choices will turn out the way we expect them to or guarantee us that we have made the RIGHT decision.

I struggle constantly with this very issue. I say that because as much work as I have done on myself, there are still issues and patterns that arise which I need to uncover and discard. This is a process and one that has no graduation date! Probably my greatest test of faith has to do with keeping myself afloat financially while working with people who are themselves struggling emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially. This is not an easy economy in which to have a spiritual and healing practice; often times at the end of the month or a week before that, I am deciding if I should pay for gas or food.

Today I was in a place of fear about money and after a short burst of tears, I became still and quiet. I listened for guidance and answers - within moments they came! I heard the words “God is your business manager.” Now how in the world can I fail if the Creator of this remarkable Universe is in charge of making sure I can pay my rent, buy food and put gas in my car?

My experience with faith has been that the more I trust in my God, the more I find that I am ONE with this power. Just as is taught, the Kingdom of God is within me. When I place my trust and faith in this power and surrender all the results, not only is my fear stripped away, but I am given opportunities to experience my Oneness with God all the time. I can think of no better reward!

For me, faith means that I get out of my heads (thoughts) and out of my heart (emotions) so that I may reconnect to spirit; by so doing, I reconnect to that awesome energy and force that created this Universe. From this place, I get the big guns of information for download!


I ask almost everyone I work with if they believe in God, a Creator, a Source or a Higher Power. Inevitably, everyone says, “oh yes, I do.” But, when I ask them what that higher power is or looks like to them, they stare at me as if I have two heads!

It is not enough, especially when one is ill or in a challenging place, to have a vague notion of a higher power. After all, if you needed a doctor, you would see that image in your minds eye, then do your research and find a doctor. You would not just walk around looking for someone who kind of resembled a doctor, maybe or hopefully!! So, when you need a force that can help you really heal and not just treat your symptoms, why is it enough to just kind of, maybe, once in a while, think about God or this Power?

Take time to form a picture and a resume of what this power, force, energy or being is to you. This is YOUR higher power and he/she/it can be anything and anyone you choose it to be. Create a detailed picture in your mind. Form an intimate relationship with this amazing, infinite power because when you need a lot of help, this is the place you want to be.

I have said this before and I will keep saying it, my God is my best friend, my advisor, my counselor and my advocate (and now my business manager!). I talk with God all day long and ask for clarity, miracles and guidance. Not only do I talk and ask, but I KNOW without any doubt that all the answers are on a blackboard right in front of me and all I really am asking for is a new pair of glasses so that I can read everything more clearly. I work very hard at always going into my sidebars with God having trust! This is the power that created the Universe and keeps it going – how could I doubt that?

So...when you get really serious about deep healing on a physical, emotional and spiritual level, you must get to know the power and force that you believe created all of this awesome stuff! That way, when you go to this power, you know the outcome is going to be just as awesome and amazing!

P.S. The additional benefit to this is the following: when you have a higher power or God like this, you no longer need to rely solely on humans for help. I think we all know how hard it is when we are suffering and chronically ill or in pain for a long period of time. We don't want to be a burden and yet, we need to know that we are not alone. Having this relationship with God/Creator/Source will offer you a place of refuge and give those humans in your life a chance to step back once in a while and see that you are really and truly something beautiful and perfect to behold as you take your healing to a new level! And who knows? Maybe you will end up giving your human friends some pretty amazing counsel as well!

As you begin to form a relationship with your God or higher power, you will be amazed at all the opportunities you are given to surrender your will to this force. When you finally experience what it is like to live in this surrender and without fear, you will live a life you cannot dream of!

EGO (Edging God Out)

When working towards any kind of healing be it emotional, physical or spiritual, one must begin to identify how ego works in his/her life. When I speak of ego, I am not talking about the “I am just so great” idea of ego, but the part of a person that sees him or her as separate from others and from God, the part of the person that wants to remain in control all the time and never surrender the results to any unknown outcome. Ego is also the part of us that judges ourselves and others as well as the part that cannot forgive ourselves or others. Ego is also the part of us that lives in fear.

I have come to believe that I became sick with fibromyalgia, endometriosis and RSD all at the same time because I needed to wake up and answer God's call! Although I had spent most of my life knowing that God existed as an infinite, loving and powerful force, I did not trust that this God cared about me specifically. I had been in a great deal of fear for most of my life and as an intelligent woman, I learned that controlling everything was my only technique for combatting this fear. Unfortunately, this did not work well and caused me to become more fearful, more controlling and more judgemental.

When I was finally faced with losing the use of my legs altogether, I unplugged my ears, put my ego on hold and heard the still, small voice that had been calling me for years.

Since that day, my life has changed in ways I can hardly imagine. No, I am not wealthy beyond belief and I have not met the love of my life...but, I am healed inside and out and that is priceless. I learned to forgive myself and those around me for everything that I had seen as some slight against me.

Not only was I able to forgive, but I was able to see how I had taken every incident in my life and made it ONLY about me – even when it was clearly about someone or something totally unrelated to me! Releasing the need to always be center stage was such a relief! I had always admired those people who could go into a crowd of people and sit quietly and at ease amongst them because I was never able to do that – today I am free to just be still amidst the chaos and noise and it is wonderful!

Just as important, I am able to take every challenge that in the past might have unhinged me and see that it is a lesson to help me grow. When I approach difficulties in this way, they are no longer roadblocks but they become roadsigns directing me where I need to focus and change. As I rely on my Creator to help me, we both move towards another place of learning and healing...again, this is a process that I could not live without!


Ok..let's get this straight right now...forgiveness is NOT about condoning bad behavior! Most people that I work with cannot forgive someone because they feel that if they do then that will mean they accept what was done to them. That is not it at all. Forgiveness is about releasing the toxic energy that the incident created within you; after all, it is doubtful that the person who slighted you is carrying around hurt and resentment! So, you must learn to forgive, if nothing else than to allow your body the freedom from ever carrying any negative or dark energy within it again.

If you have a hard time with forgiveness, you must ask God/Source/Creator or your higher power to help you. Ask for guidance on this. Ask to have the negativity released from within you. Ask for a way to find forgiveness for someone. God knows what you need and will always provide when asked.

Today, I began to think about an exchange that happened on an online community forum. I was really put out by the negativity and judgement that was going back and forth until it hit me square in the chest: the experience or the reality is literally created by the observer. Therefore, no one but the observer will have that specific reality or experience; if that is the case, then I have no way of truly knowing what you are experiencing (seeing, hearing, feeling, tasting or smelling) because as you are the observer of YOUR reality, your experience by definition MUST BE completely different from mine!

This is just beautiful because it releases us from every having to engage in judgement. If we can never know what anyone else is actually experiencing, because it is unique only to them, then how in the world can we judge it? If we did have the guts to make a judgement, we would be doing so from a place of total ignorance!

The moment I really “got it” gave me immense freedom. I think most of us are judgemental even when we don't think we are being so. I know I am and often I catch myself about 10 or 15 minutes into it before I realize what I am usually goes like this: “So and so did this to me or said this to me and I just cannot understand why they said it. I mean if they know me at all, then they know that they should not have said or done that because it is incredibly hurtful. Why in the world are they not treating ME the way they would want to be treated?'

On and on it can go if I let my mind have free reign. But now, I know...they may have said or done something based on an experience or reality that I am unable to fully experience in the same way. For this, I cannot pass judgement.

Now here is where this gets really cool! If we eradicate judgement, then we begin to vibrate at a higher frequency that is more based in and aligned with love. As we do this and others also do this, then we are becoming more and more alike or in tune with each other; the byproduct of this is that our experiences will become more similar and we will become more as one or of like thought! (and being of like thought is what we have been wanting all along!)


This is a tough world to navigate when one is healthy. It is even harder when one is sensitive, empathic and vulnerable. Add to that a chronic illness or pain and it is nearly impossible. Everything we go through in this life is teaching us something. Usually we are learning how to love ourselves and others without ego, expectation or judgement.

I often find that people either really love me or they really hate me – there is no in between. When I come across those who hate me, they often go out of their way to be cruel and hurtful; I never understsood this and recently ask God if I was being punished for something. What I heard astounded me! A voice that was so clear said the following: “Little One, this is not punishment for you. This is your opportunity to show those who need it most how to live a life centered in God and Christ Consciousness. You have many opportunities to show others how to live in love and in light. This is your blessing, Little One.”

A few days after that happened, I read a timely piece on why there are people in our life who cause us pain. I am pasting it here for you as it says perfectly what I want to share!

The Awakening: Vicky Anderson

"At this level, all thought waves that are not wanted are not merely pushed away, but rather, our mind is transformed and our perspectives are shifted.  This is one of the biggest shifts people will experience during humanity's current evolution.  We must come to understand that the events that cause our emotional issues are deliberately orchestrated by our Spirit.  This is done as part of the Divine plan, both for our own growth and for the growth of humanity.

Many of our thoughts are not from our own mind.  So the people who cause your unwanted emotional issues are not really responsible for their actions at all.  It is their compassionate Spirit who, from the soul level, agrees for them to play the 'bad guys' in each of the karmic dramas in your life.  And your Spirit also agrees for you to play the 'bad guy' from time to time, so they too can grow emotionally and spiritually.  Both of these Spirits, yours and theirs, love you more than you can know.

The minute we release the grudges we hold toward these people for playing their part in our dramas, our sub-conscious mind can inform our Spirit that these grudges no longer have a hold on us.  That’s when our Spirit opens for us a direct line of communication with God."

This is such an important place for us to be able to get to...a direct line of communication with God/Creator/Source or Higher Power.

Your God wants this for all of us. Get to know your God or higher power and find out what special blessings you are being given. As you do, you will heal because you will release those things which is of human creation that keeps us separated from our Oneness with our God.


People will often use the argument that there is no God because there is so much negativity, illness and horror in this world. I have learned that everything which is negative in this world is man-made, not God made! God wants us to be abundant, prosperous and healthy. Only man can create limits, poverty and disease. If we are aligned with and remember our Oneness with Source, then we do not have to experience the darkness of humanity. We can be free, healthy and at peace to live always in the Light. Namaste.