Recently, it was brought to my attention that I have exceedingly unrealistic expectations of how the world should behave! I have known this for some time, but was unable to really pin down why I am like this and have always been obsessed with fairness and justice. Part of why this is so important is because I am never seeing the world as it is; instead, I am always hoping or expecting the world to be different. By doing this, I am setting myself up for disappointment at every turn.
Because I have no control over others, I cannot simply wish their behavior to change and take it personally when it does not; however, this is how I have been living for many years. What I have discovered is profound: I have been handed (by virtue of the affluence which I was born into) a very easy, safe and comfortable life. I feel entitled to be treated as I treat others no matter what - this is my ego going strong; I am trying to control the outcome of every situation so that I remain feeling at ease, safe and comfortable. When something goes against what I believe should be happening, I am deeply disappointed and struggle with trying to make sense of this betrayal perpetrated on me.
All of this comes down to one huge piece of my puzzle:
Fundamentally, I did not grow up liking or loving myself for me. I learned to people please and as such, was only validated from the outside in. Although this was a manipulation of others, it was also terribly misleading for me. I became dependent on things outside of myself to validate every part of my being. If I had loved myself and knew this at the core of my being, I could experience any injustice but know that it was never about me personally! I could see the weakness in the other person, but let it go because it was never about me. Instead, I would replay the scene over and over again in my head and try to understand why things did not go my way. I would have conversations in my head trying to figure out how to convince someone to see things my way and validate me by doing this.
I have been held hostage by this my entire life. I believed early on that anothers bad behavior was purposely aimed at me and I took it personally; I was convinced that if I were more worthy or valuable, this unfair or unjust situation would never be part of my world. I lived in a constant state of let down, disappointment, and sadness for myself due to my proven unlovability.
My wise friend (who I am just getting to know) learned at an early age that another person's bad behavior was not going to define or undermine him! This bad behavior illustrated their weaknesses and nothing about him. What a beautiful gift! To know yourself so deeply and with such reverence that you can allow others to be exactly who they are going to be and it is ok, because you are enough!
Additionally, because my friend is enough and values himself, he does not overeat or drink to excess or engage in any behavior that is self destructive! Can you imagine? Eating properly and exercising properly not because someone tells you that it is good for you, but because you celebrate yourself on such a high level that you cannot behave differently! This just boggles the mind in the Western world and isn't that sad?
Many in our society earn distinction and celebrity by being more and more self-destructive in entertaining ways. We celebrate and pay respects to those young artists who have died early after abusing their body, mind and spirit. Of all things, to show respect to someone who did not value themselves enough to treat their beautiful and awesome being with the highest regard.
Along with expectations, entitlement goes ego or arrogance. We believe our way is correct and part of our entitlement or higher purpose. How dare we decide what others must feel, do or say! This is so prevalent in affluent areas, but we assign this entitlement mentality to those in poorer situations as if to deflect from what we know is true of ourselves. How many times have we thought that someone does not deserve to collect welfare or subsidy because we know better how to help them? Maybe we have a theory, but what makes us the one who knows exactly what their situtation requires?
So what is the answser? I believe in my case it is focusing on learning how to love myself so fully that I do not have any voids within me. From this point of personal strength, I am then no longer concerned with what others do or do not do as they cross paths with me. I am only taking care of myself and that is job enough.
Additionally, as I take care of myself by loving and respecting who I am, I can treat others as I wish to be treated but not expect to be treated. Instead, I do this free and clear of ANY expectation that I must or should receive the same. I give openly without expectation of anything in return and that is enough for me. Instead of attaching an expectation of entitlement which could end in disappointment, I stay in the perfection of the moment where I am fully alive and present, offering love to another because that is reward in itself - this is what I celebrate now without needing any assurance of what the future will bring or living in any fear of what the past was about.
I am free!
Shatter the illusion of what you believe reality to be. Begin the journey of remembering what you have always known is the only truth - You are One with God.
Showing posts with label belief systems. Show all posts
Showing posts with label belief systems. Show all posts
Monday, November 8, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Diving into the Deep End of Faith
In the last few months there has been a great deal of activity on an energy level. We are approaching a galactic alignment that only happens once in many thousands of years as well as experiencing a shift from the Age of Pisces into the Age of Aquarius. All of this has had an effect on humans, especially those of us who are extremely sensitive, intuitive and empathic. Woe to you if like me, you are all of these!
I have been struggling a great deal with my human ego side! Add to that a birthday this past week and I was almost completely undone by it all. My birthday was lovely although I had a bit of a meltdown when I received gifts of clothing which I had specifically told my family NOT to buy for me. Ever since the RSD and fibromyalgia, I have struggled with regulating my temperature and unfortunately, the struggle continues. I am unable to wear heavy materials or long sleeves unless they are cotton and somewhat loose; otherwise, I will get very warm and cannot cool off unless there is a walk in freezer nearby!
I felt that I had been exceptionally clear with my family about this, but apparently I was not heard. Needless to say, that has been the story my entire life so by the end of the weekend, stick a fork in me, I was done! I began to cry and let out years of anger at my family for all the perceived injustices done to and against me!
In addition to the birthday upset, I have tried for quite a while to include my family in my work.
Because they are not at all spiritual, they will not even attempt to understand what I do and they continue to hope and suggest that I will find a normal job! It has become so stressed that when we gather for family celebrations, no one will talk to me about anything because they are so fearful of opening up the can of worms called “Awaken to Spirit”.
My recent financial strain has also made life downright difficult. I have always had an unhealthy relationship to money. As a young person, I saved everything without know why I was saving it! I never understood that money must circulate to be useful or to even grow. My father was a child of the depression and as such, he learned that one must get a graduate degree or doctorate (He is an Oral Surgeon), work at a job for many years (even if you hate it) invest wisely and retire. Additionally, I always felt that we were controlled by money because my father wanted us to have everything that he never had as a child; unfortunately, my perspective was so different from his because I grew up in the 1970's!
After graduating from college and really not knowing who I was or what I was supposed to do, I ended up in a series of boring, go-nowhere jobs. I started my own business which was very successful but I did not understand anything about money at that time, so I became bored and ended up leaving that business for work in the film industry. Then I got sick and was unable to work for almost ten years. At the end of my illness I had lost everything. By the beginning of my forties, I had total poverty consciousness.
When I started working in healing and spirituality, I was convinced I had found my passion and because of this, I would not have any money problems from here on out! I did find my passion, but I was still operating from a place of fear and poverty consciousness when it came to money. I was forced to ask my father to loan me money and this did nothing to help our relationship. I understand completely why he would prefer that I work in a job with benefits and a retirement plan; however, I simply do not do well in that environment. The main point I am trying to make is this: by borrowing money from my father, I ended up taking on his belief system of fear and doubt. This was not intentional but I felt so guilty having to ask for money that I behaved as if I was less than. I did not want to behave as if I were prosperous because that would have been unfair to my father. But, that is exactly what I should have done! By acting as if I were less than and living in poverty consciousness, I kept attracting that same thing to me over and over again and that was more poverty and more less than belief.
As of Monday, I was in a very depressed place. Without understanding that my perspective was off and that my belief system was faulty, I began to blame my dad and my brother. I entertained the idea of severing my relationship with them in order to have the peace of mind and confidence to continue on with my own life and choices; however, doing this never felt right to me. I have always felt sad when hearing about families that do not speak or children that have no relationship to their parents. My mother passed away in 1991 of a sudden heart attack in her sleep and this was devastating to me. Because of this, I have tried even harder to have a bond with my dad and my brother; however, we are so different that this has not been easy.
I spoke with a close friend who wisely encouraged me to celebrate myself and slowly ween myself away from these negative influences. Unfortunately, I am an all or nothing kind of human when I am in my ego mindset, so I kept hearing that I needed to cut the cord and get away from these horrid folks!! Once I got quiet and sat in meditation and prayer, everything settled down. My chatter was able to go away and the hurt and anger I was rolling in also left!
Yesterday as I finished a third day of intense prayer and meditation, my epiphany came! I did not need to sever my relationship to either my father or my brother. What I needed to sever was the belief system I continued to carry around with me that was associated with my past. I was allowing myself to be hurt and upset by their lack of understanding because I was still believing the little girl part of me that said I AM NOT ENOUGH! I was not approaching the problem from a place of wholeness and divinity. I was trying to solve the problem from a very low frequency of human ego, pride and fear. As Einstein has so brilliantly said: A problem cannot be solved by the same vibrational frequency that created it – one must raise the frequency in order to find the solution and then apply it. (I am paraphrasing here)
I had placed all my eggs in the basket of needing approval from my father and brother thinking that if they did not support me emotionally and otherwise in my work, then that must mean something was wrong with me! I even went so far as to believe that their negativity was ruining my business! This was not conscious on my part. I was not walking around outwardly knowing that I was “less than”, but I was going through all the motions of life with this tiny, but powerful belief buried deep in my subconscious. This negative programming was affecting every aspect of my life.
Until I realized that I had placed more power in the approval of my family rather than giving ALL my power to faith and belief in God/Source/Creator, I was causing my own downfall. I was not terribly happy or content each day. My finances were a source of extreme stress. I was living in memories of the past when life was easier or I was projecting into the future waiting for a day when everything would be less of a struggle for me. I felt incredibly alone and isolated – often disappointed by others.
Now, all of this I knew was not my normal state of being. I have done enough work to know that something was off, but I was not sure what it was. I asked for guidance and clarity and boy did I get them! Once I saw that I was living in faith but only on the EDGE of it, I knew that it was time to dive into the deep end of faith and trust pool.
Years ago, I had a dream where I was riding a mule up the side of a steep, steep mountain that came to a plateau at the top. A group of us were on the experience and at the top of the mountain, we would leave our mule and walk to the edge of the mountain where we would jump off and make it safely to the bottom! When it was my turn, I found every excuse or reason NOT to go the edge and jump. Suddenly, in my dream there was a gift shop at the top where I could wander around and buy trinkets – which I did! In the entire dream, I was never able to take the leap of faith and jump. That dream has stayed with me all this time because I knew it was symbolic for me...I always knew that I would have to finally take that plunge and TRUST that I would be fine.
So today, I am diving into the middle of my faith and trusting solely in my oneness with God! I am leaving behind my past and ALL the beliefs that went with it. I feel as if my spiritual growth has taken a quantum leap in one day! I am living for today in the NOW of total freedom and love rather than recreating yesterday with past resentment or trying to predict tomorrow with fear of the future!
On a financial note, I have chosen to not go to my father for help when I need money. Instead, I am working on manifesting the money from Source/God/Creator because after all, God is the most qualified financial planner there is! This is a huge step for me as it regards faith. I did not realize that by taking the “safe” route and asking my father for help, I was literally saying to God “I don't trust you” and “I don't trust me”...In not trusting, I also was then opening myself up to negative energy and beliefs that were never my own.
By taking this leap of faith and releasing my need for approval and resources from my family, I have released all the resentment that I was storing within me. I am so grateful to my father for what he has done to help me and I am more grateful to him and my brother for what they have taught me. They agreed in spirit to often play the bad guys in my life out of their deep love for me so that I would learn some of my greatest lessons – what a sacrifice!
The following are two powerful lessons that I learned in the last few days:
Freedom is only attainable when living in the moment surrounded with and giving love.
No one has ever done anything to you...you have allowed it to be done to you and if it happened, you attracted it or needed it for soul growth. (I AM University)
My mantra for today and everyday from now on is: “Thy will, not mine be done. Thank you for the lesson.” (Paul Solomon)
Namaste!
PS..Let me explain what I believe an “epiphany” is. Put simply, they are moments when we look at something from an entirely new perspective and this gives us a true sense of understanding and freedom. So, in my case, although I have dealt with family issues and poverty consciousness for years, I was suddenly able to SEE both problems from an entirely new point of view! By doing this, I could also see the perfect solution....it's as if I simply moved out of my own shadow so I could see the panorama through sunlight more clearly! And what a view I finally had!!
I have been struggling a great deal with my human ego side! Add to that a birthday this past week and I was almost completely undone by it all. My birthday was lovely although I had a bit of a meltdown when I received gifts of clothing which I had specifically told my family NOT to buy for me. Ever since the RSD and fibromyalgia, I have struggled with regulating my temperature and unfortunately, the struggle continues. I am unable to wear heavy materials or long sleeves unless they are cotton and somewhat loose; otherwise, I will get very warm and cannot cool off unless there is a walk in freezer nearby!
I felt that I had been exceptionally clear with my family about this, but apparently I was not heard. Needless to say, that has been the story my entire life so by the end of the weekend, stick a fork in me, I was done! I began to cry and let out years of anger at my family for all the perceived injustices done to and against me!
In addition to the birthday upset, I have tried for quite a while to include my family in my work.
Because they are not at all spiritual, they will not even attempt to understand what I do and they continue to hope and suggest that I will find a normal job! It has become so stressed that when we gather for family celebrations, no one will talk to me about anything because they are so fearful of opening up the can of worms called “Awaken to Spirit”.
My recent financial strain has also made life downright difficult. I have always had an unhealthy relationship to money. As a young person, I saved everything without know why I was saving it! I never understood that money must circulate to be useful or to even grow. My father was a child of the depression and as such, he learned that one must get a graduate degree or doctorate (He is an Oral Surgeon), work at a job for many years (even if you hate it) invest wisely and retire. Additionally, I always felt that we were controlled by money because my father wanted us to have everything that he never had as a child; unfortunately, my perspective was so different from his because I grew up in the 1970's!
After graduating from college and really not knowing who I was or what I was supposed to do, I ended up in a series of boring, go-nowhere jobs. I started my own business which was very successful but I did not understand anything about money at that time, so I became bored and ended up leaving that business for work in the film industry. Then I got sick and was unable to work for almost ten years. At the end of my illness I had lost everything. By the beginning of my forties, I had total poverty consciousness.
When I started working in healing and spirituality, I was convinced I had found my passion and because of this, I would not have any money problems from here on out! I did find my passion, but I was still operating from a place of fear and poverty consciousness when it came to money. I was forced to ask my father to loan me money and this did nothing to help our relationship. I understand completely why he would prefer that I work in a job with benefits and a retirement plan; however, I simply do not do well in that environment. The main point I am trying to make is this: by borrowing money from my father, I ended up taking on his belief system of fear and doubt. This was not intentional but I felt so guilty having to ask for money that I behaved as if I was less than. I did not want to behave as if I were prosperous because that would have been unfair to my father. But, that is exactly what I should have done! By acting as if I were less than and living in poverty consciousness, I kept attracting that same thing to me over and over again and that was more poverty and more less than belief.
As of Monday, I was in a very depressed place. Without understanding that my perspective was off and that my belief system was faulty, I began to blame my dad and my brother. I entertained the idea of severing my relationship with them in order to have the peace of mind and confidence to continue on with my own life and choices; however, doing this never felt right to me. I have always felt sad when hearing about families that do not speak or children that have no relationship to their parents. My mother passed away in 1991 of a sudden heart attack in her sleep and this was devastating to me. Because of this, I have tried even harder to have a bond with my dad and my brother; however, we are so different that this has not been easy.
I spoke with a close friend who wisely encouraged me to celebrate myself and slowly ween myself away from these negative influences. Unfortunately, I am an all or nothing kind of human when I am in my ego mindset, so I kept hearing that I needed to cut the cord and get away from these horrid folks!! Once I got quiet and sat in meditation and prayer, everything settled down. My chatter was able to go away and the hurt and anger I was rolling in also left!
Yesterday as I finished a third day of intense prayer and meditation, my epiphany came! I did not need to sever my relationship to either my father or my brother. What I needed to sever was the belief system I continued to carry around with me that was associated with my past. I was allowing myself to be hurt and upset by their lack of understanding because I was still believing the little girl part of me that said I AM NOT ENOUGH! I was not approaching the problem from a place of wholeness and divinity. I was trying to solve the problem from a very low frequency of human ego, pride and fear. As Einstein has so brilliantly said: A problem cannot be solved by the same vibrational frequency that created it – one must raise the frequency in order to find the solution and then apply it. (I am paraphrasing here)
I had placed all my eggs in the basket of needing approval from my father and brother thinking that if they did not support me emotionally and otherwise in my work, then that must mean something was wrong with me! I even went so far as to believe that their negativity was ruining my business! This was not conscious on my part. I was not walking around outwardly knowing that I was “less than”, but I was going through all the motions of life with this tiny, but powerful belief buried deep in my subconscious. This negative programming was affecting every aspect of my life.
Until I realized that I had placed more power in the approval of my family rather than giving ALL my power to faith and belief in God/Source/Creator, I was causing my own downfall. I was not terribly happy or content each day. My finances were a source of extreme stress. I was living in memories of the past when life was easier or I was projecting into the future waiting for a day when everything would be less of a struggle for me. I felt incredibly alone and isolated – often disappointed by others.
Now, all of this I knew was not my normal state of being. I have done enough work to know that something was off, but I was not sure what it was. I asked for guidance and clarity and boy did I get them! Once I saw that I was living in faith but only on the EDGE of it, I knew that it was time to dive into the deep end of faith and trust pool.
Years ago, I had a dream where I was riding a mule up the side of a steep, steep mountain that came to a plateau at the top. A group of us were on the experience and at the top of the mountain, we would leave our mule and walk to the edge of the mountain where we would jump off and make it safely to the bottom! When it was my turn, I found every excuse or reason NOT to go the edge and jump. Suddenly, in my dream there was a gift shop at the top where I could wander around and buy trinkets – which I did! In the entire dream, I was never able to take the leap of faith and jump. That dream has stayed with me all this time because I knew it was symbolic for me...I always knew that I would have to finally take that plunge and TRUST that I would be fine.
So today, I am diving into the middle of my faith and trusting solely in my oneness with God! I am leaving behind my past and ALL the beliefs that went with it. I feel as if my spiritual growth has taken a quantum leap in one day! I am living for today in the NOW of total freedom and love rather than recreating yesterday with past resentment or trying to predict tomorrow with fear of the future!
On a financial note, I have chosen to not go to my father for help when I need money. Instead, I am working on manifesting the money from Source/God/Creator because after all, God is the most qualified financial planner there is! This is a huge step for me as it regards faith. I did not realize that by taking the “safe” route and asking my father for help, I was literally saying to God “I don't trust you” and “I don't trust me”...In not trusting, I also was then opening myself up to negative energy and beliefs that were never my own.
By taking this leap of faith and releasing my need for approval and resources from my family, I have released all the resentment that I was storing within me. I am so grateful to my father for what he has done to help me and I am more grateful to him and my brother for what they have taught me. They agreed in spirit to often play the bad guys in my life out of their deep love for me so that I would learn some of my greatest lessons – what a sacrifice!
The following are two powerful lessons that I learned in the last few days:
Freedom is only attainable when living in the moment surrounded with and giving love.
No one has ever done anything to you...you have allowed it to be done to you and if it happened, you attracted it or needed it for soul growth. (I AM University)
My mantra for today and everyday from now on is: “Thy will, not mine be done. Thank you for the lesson.” (Paul Solomon)
Namaste!
PS..Let me explain what I believe an “epiphany” is. Put simply, they are moments when we look at something from an entirely new perspective and this gives us a true sense of understanding and freedom. So, in my case, although I have dealt with family issues and poverty consciousness for years, I was suddenly able to SEE both problems from an entirely new point of view! By doing this, I could also see the perfect solution....it's as if I simply moved out of my own shadow so I could see the panorama through sunlight more clearly! And what a view I finally had!!
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