I want to follow up my many musings about fear with a short, but to the point post about bliss....After all the fear drained out of me the other day, it was replaced with faith and by association bliss!
One of the attitudes I had stuffed back into my closet since I felt that I was “less than” was joy. I have not been celebrating and living in joy as I can and should do. If our reality really is reflected back to us, and I believe it is, then it is imperative that we celebrate and live in bliss today so that what is mirrored back to us tomorrow is equally as amazing!
I think many of us undergoing a spiritual journey tend to become very serious about our world and practice. I know I do. Often times, I forget that one ingredient essential to this entire process – Awe! I fail to celebrate when I wake up in the morning that I am so blessed to be able to create an entirely new day in which to dance, skip and play – or do cartwheels in the park!
Part of the problem is our failure to live in the now. Often times when I wake up, I am carrying yesterday or many yesterdays with me and that is a lot of baggage to have when you want to dance or skip or play! It is crucial that we treat each day as a new beginning and free of all our yesterdays. Additionally, this new beginning must not be wrapped in any fear of the future either. Tomorrow has not yet come, so it bears no influence on today's start up.
Another problem some of us have is being results or goal oriented. I know, I know ...we spend our entire lives being told we must form, set and reach our goals, but there is something very wrong with this approach. We fail to enjoy the journey or the process of getting where we want to go. When we miss what is happening along the path, we have missed an entire lifetime of things to be grateful for.
Often, I am so focused on what I want to achieve in meditation or healing that I forget to be present during the actual process. Most importantly, by focusing only on the goal, I can be very disappointed if my goal is not reached; I always have to remind myself that I am not the one healing...God is doing the work and it is God's will, not mine that matters. Since the outcome is not up to me, then I might as well enjoy the actual time spent getting wherever we are going!
Also, when we are so sensitive, we tend to have developed different methods of protecting ourselves by being defensive. I am guilty of this a lot...it usually shows up in my being isolated. When I first began my journey, I was isolated because I needed to work and study or pray; however, now I find that I often stay isolated to protect myself from being so sensitive and experiencing hurt in the outside world. This is a tough struggle – having enough faith that you know you are safe, but staying sensitive and empathic enough that you do your most good for others.
Many masters speak of seeing the world through God's eyes. I realized this morning as I was beginning another day, that to see this world through God's eyes would mean that I was full of bliss and excitement. Why blissful? Why wouldn't I see all the mistakes that man has made and feel sorrow? Because God does not have judgment or regret! Those are man/woman's emotions. God has only the purest love for all creation and as such could never see what is wrong...only what is right!
I have made a commitment to see what is right with the world and not what is wrong with it. I will decide to live in bliss, passion and joy for my opportunity to know and love as God does.
Won't you join me?
Shatter the illusion of what you believe reality to be. Begin the journey of remembering what you have always known is the only truth - You are One with God.
Showing posts with label Fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fear. Show all posts
Monday, August 23, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
The Importance of Being Fearless
The Importance of being Fearless
For as long as I can remember, I have been afraid. Afraid of something, but I don't always know what that something is. I only know that this fear has trapped me, influenced every decision and action in my life and come close to taking my life as well. I cannot count the opportunities I have missed or walked away from due to this fear.
Even as a very young child, I was tremendously afraid. I was terrified of sirens and other loud noises. 4th of July was my nightmare! Going to see fireworks nearly unhinged me. My first memory of kindergarten is of crying hysterically outside the door while my mom bargain and bribes me to let go of her and go inside! This separation anxiety never really left me and reared its ugly head at the most inopportune times, such as sleep overs – usually resulting in my calling my mom or dad to come pick me up from my friend's house in the middle of the night. When I was thirteen, we went to visit my mother's family in Kansas. I was such a trembling ball of fear that my uncle who was a good ole boy, hunter type with three girls and two boys, begged my family to send me to them for a summer so that he could “toughen me up”.
Lately, I have been in such fear of financial ruin that I have become almost paralyzed by it. Let me walk you through my crazy thought process based on this fear. I have had to borrow money to survive and each time I need to ask for help, I am almost physically ill. I put off asking until I am nearly on empty. I also fight with myself about why I am failing to manifest what I want and need in my life when I know how to do this. It seems that I am able to manifest almost everything, except complete financial independence. After I have struggled with myself over all of that, I go to a darker place. In this place, I see myself as a burden to my family and others. I am a failure of the highest proportion - someone who will never get out of this horrible cycle...I even fantasize about being gone – being done, so no one will have to bother with me anymore – so I will no longer be a burden. The cycle of fear, anger and punishment keeps itself going and going and going until there seems to be no way out other than something extreme.
Now given the work that I do and all that I know, you would think that I would naturally just fall back on my faith. Wrong! The other issue I was having was trying to replace this huge unidentified fear with a blanket of faith...this was not working either. I had read everything I could get my hands on and done all the exercises to try and overcome this issue with faith. But, my fear was so deeply embedded in me that until I really understood what I was afraid of, I could not simply try to overpower the fear with faith.
But, I digress...let me tell you the entire fear story....
Perhaps the worst part of being such a fearful child was learning how to manipulate others into giving me what I wanted and therefore never having to learn how to walk through that fear. I was always able to find a way to quit or stop short of having to face my fear and this behavior was usually supported by my mother; of course, she had no way of knowing that this would haunt me later in life. Long story short, I was overprotected and guarded my entire life. I never grew up, nor learned how to face life on my own in a complete and mature way. My fear kept me a child and as such, I stayed completely dependent on my family rather than finding my own family to start and work towards.
In order to deal with this fear, I learned to control every aspect of my life including people. I became the A+ student, the teacher's pet, the “people-pleaser”. Even though my peers were not that impressed, I knew I had to please the adults at all costs. In high school, I was blessed with swimming talent and became the first freshman to swim varsity that year, breaking records left and right. Suddenly, I was incredibly popular with teachers, parents and finally, my peers. When I lost a uniform sweater that I was particularly attached to, I formed an intention in my mind that I would, at all costs, find that sweater if it took me the entire year! It didn't and I did find it. I share this with you to illustrate just how controlling I was in an effort to avoid the fear that chased me.
Everything came unglued for me when I started college. My entire high school social life was focused on my boyfriend (a track star to my swimming star) who I met when I was fourteen. He was one year older and together, we were going to save the world or at least, save the youth in the world! We were focused, motivated and totally committed. When he left for college that year before me, I lost my focus and commitment. I stopped swimming, tried out for the senior play and made it, started dating someone who was considered a “bad boy” (but wasn't) and somewhere in there, I fooled myself into thinking that I had rid myself of that awful fear – finally!
But, fear is a tricky business. If you don't face it, you don't end it...you cannot run from it and you cannot hide from it. You might be able to lull it into a corner where it sits quietly waiting for you to forget it is there and that is exactly what I did. I forgot about it until it got tired of sitting in that corner.
When I went off to college, I was a prime target for that fear. I no longer had parents asking me to achieve something. I no longer needed to perform for my teachers and make them happy. I was enrolled at UC Berkeley where everyone, especially as a freshman, was anonymous. The school was too large for there to be any other arrangement. At the time, I didn't realize this, but every one of my reasons for being were gone and suddenly I was lost. I had no idea how to create a life for myself. Most importantly, I didn't really even know who I was or what I wanted because I had spent so much time being defined by the people that I could please.
Over time, controlling the fear didn't work anymore and I was becoming depressed, anxious and angry. I had found therapy and a way to blame all of this dysfunction on everyone else. Unfortunately, that approach never really worked and certainly didn't free me from the fear; it only made me angrier.
Most importantly, the amount of time that I dedicated to avoiding fear kept me from finding out who I was and what I really wanted in this world. That made me even angrier – but at whom?
When my mother died in 1991, I was thirty years old and convinced that my fear of losing her is what caused her to die young. I remember noticing when my mom died what an impression she had made on everyone. People who only knew her briefly cried about her passing; the sad thing is she never knew just how much her light shown in this world. You see, she was also living in fear. She lived in fear her entire life and as a consequence, she never realized just how special she was to this world.
I look back at my twenties and thirties and realize the same thing. Although I made a huge impact on certain people in my life, I could never enjoy who I was because I really did not believe I was enough. So by the time my mother died, I was already a wreck. Add in my even deeper depression and anger and I was just searching for any way out. I found it in illness and chronic physical pain. The answer I thought, was in treating that physical pain and illness with a correct diagnosis, appropriate medical intervention and, of course, mind-numbing narcotics. Once again, I found a way to sedate the fear and return it to the corner.
All of this is something I am sharing with you because I want you to search your own story. Find out where you are hiding from fear and what that fear is about. Our entire world is built on and ruled by fear – fear that there is not enough, fear of differences and mainly, a fear that none of us will ever be enough. The media and governments keep this fear alive and use it to their advantage. The only way to keep the majority of people under the control of an elite few is to frighten the masses. Once they are sufficiently frightened, then this elite can swoop in and assure the panicked ones that they have an answer. The truth is that there is no real answer except to realize that there is really nothing to fear. Failing that, the elite few will always retain the power and it is in their best interest to maintain the illusion of fear so that the masses will remain submissive.
What are the results of fear in a society? I have already discussed control and anger. The other problem is judgment. People who are fearful are constantly working to identify a possible threat and that is usually other people. In order to stay one step ahead of the threat, we need to know what that threat is or who it is and what that person or persons is about. So we judge. We size them up to see if we can take them on or do we need to run away (fight or flight).
Often times, we first try to use ego to overpower our fear; in an effort to fool ourselves into thinking we are not the ones with a problem, we focus on others and judge continuously. By doing this, we always can blame someone else for our lack of power in life...we are the victim. Unfortunately, after a period of time, we find that we are not receiving the same satisfaction or escape from this pattern and we are forced once again, to look at ourselves.
I have also watched people acquire and hoard money in an attempt to control or diffuse their fear. The idea being that if they have enough cash flow, they will never be in a position to face something they cannot control or fix; however, this again is just avoiding the inevitable. There is never enough money to keep bad things from happening in life.
Control, anger, judgment, etc. all of these are very low frequency emotions. When we stay in anger, judgment and fear, we are vibrating as energy at a very low rate; this is what can cause illness in the body after a period of time. I would venture to say that, like me, most of my clients are incredible perfectionists who control every part of their lives as a result of the terrible fear they are living in.
Most importantly, fear and love are diametrically opposed. One cannot live in both at the same time. As long as you are running from or not facing your fear, you will never be able to truly find and stay in love. You might experience love for a period of time and during that time you will have raised your vibration high enough to feel that you are free from your fear, but it cannot last. Eventually, that fear will show itself and cause you to plummet to a low frequency once again. The two simply cannot occupy the same space for any length of time. Unfortunately, fear has been given so much power in most of our lives that it will win out.
When we have established a pattern over a lifetime, that pattern, even if it is detrimental to us, becomes familiar and what we know; leaving that well worn path can be more frightening and painful than the pain we are experiencing from the pattern itself and that is most often why people do not change. It is only through inspiration or desperation that we are prone to seek out a different way of being.
There are lots of resources out there that promise to help you eliminate fear! I have read and tried to use many of them, but to no avail. Change can happen in an instant, but it is the time leading up to that instant that usually takes the longest! People will change for one of two reasons – inspiration or desperation. In my case, sometimes it takes a bit of both!
Today, the fear was too great for me to continue the way I was going. I have developed heartburn which I have never had before. I am grinding my teeth and experiencing stomach pains. All the result of fear. Something had to change, but what? Finally, that small voice gave me the way...”Walk through your fear, beginning to end. See just what you are afraid of if you run out of money or don't have enough money.”
I forced myself to walk through this entire fear from beginning to end. What was I really afraid of? Am I more afraid of asking for help and appearing to be unsuccessful to my family or what is the fear really about? I thought it through slowly and in detail, from beginning to end – no money, becoming homeless, being afraid of living alone on the streets, being attacked, dying on the streets...Wait a minute, dying on the streets. And then, BOOM...it hit me! If the end result either way was death (from dying on the streets or suicide) what was the big deal? Just what was I so afraid of?
I was afraid of being afraid! That was it! And that was all it was...my fear of my fear! Once I saw this and felt it inside my essence, all the fear that I had kept for years just drained out of my body and as it did, I was lighter, relieved of all that burden!
So...there you have it. Fear of Fear! Remember when we were kids and there was a monster under the bed or in the closet? It inevitably grew larger and larger if we stayed in our beds and did not face it. But, once we found the flashlight and summoned up our courage to get out of bed, we found there was no monster at all – we had been afraid of being afraid!
I urge you all to take time to journal, draw or talk about your fear. Identify it...keep searching until you really, really find what it is you are afraid of and then walk it through from beginning to end. What is the absolute worst case scenario? See all of it in detail and when you get to the end, ask yourself if that worse case scenario is really all that bad?
David Hawkins in Power vs. Force states that every fear boils down to the fear of death. Once we eliminate that fear, we can be free from all the other fears in our life. Think about it...really digest that fear that you carry and decide if it is worth lugging it around or if maybe, just maybe you are only afraid of being afraid. And if so, then get out of bed and shine a light on that monster. I assure you, it will disappear instantly!
And the most beautiful part of eradicating fear? Faith. Once you allow that fear to drain out of your body, you can then fill up that space with faith and all that brings – blessings, comfort and miracles. Not a bad trade!
For as long as I can remember, I have been afraid. Afraid of something, but I don't always know what that something is. I only know that this fear has trapped me, influenced every decision and action in my life and come close to taking my life as well. I cannot count the opportunities I have missed or walked away from due to this fear.
Even as a very young child, I was tremendously afraid. I was terrified of sirens and other loud noises. 4th of July was my nightmare! Going to see fireworks nearly unhinged me. My first memory of kindergarten is of crying hysterically outside the door while my mom bargain and bribes me to let go of her and go inside! This separation anxiety never really left me and reared its ugly head at the most inopportune times, such as sleep overs – usually resulting in my calling my mom or dad to come pick me up from my friend's house in the middle of the night. When I was thirteen, we went to visit my mother's family in Kansas. I was such a trembling ball of fear that my uncle who was a good ole boy, hunter type with three girls and two boys, begged my family to send me to them for a summer so that he could “toughen me up”.
Lately, I have been in such fear of financial ruin that I have become almost paralyzed by it. Let me walk you through my crazy thought process based on this fear. I have had to borrow money to survive and each time I need to ask for help, I am almost physically ill. I put off asking until I am nearly on empty. I also fight with myself about why I am failing to manifest what I want and need in my life when I know how to do this. It seems that I am able to manifest almost everything, except complete financial independence. After I have struggled with myself over all of that, I go to a darker place. In this place, I see myself as a burden to my family and others. I am a failure of the highest proportion - someone who will never get out of this horrible cycle...I even fantasize about being gone – being done, so no one will have to bother with me anymore – so I will no longer be a burden. The cycle of fear, anger and punishment keeps itself going and going and going until there seems to be no way out other than something extreme.
Now given the work that I do and all that I know, you would think that I would naturally just fall back on my faith. Wrong! The other issue I was having was trying to replace this huge unidentified fear with a blanket of faith...this was not working either. I had read everything I could get my hands on and done all the exercises to try and overcome this issue with faith. But, my fear was so deeply embedded in me that until I really understood what I was afraid of, I could not simply try to overpower the fear with faith.
But, I digress...let me tell you the entire fear story....
Perhaps the worst part of being such a fearful child was learning how to manipulate others into giving me what I wanted and therefore never having to learn how to walk through that fear. I was always able to find a way to quit or stop short of having to face my fear and this behavior was usually supported by my mother; of course, she had no way of knowing that this would haunt me later in life. Long story short, I was overprotected and guarded my entire life. I never grew up, nor learned how to face life on my own in a complete and mature way. My fear kept me a child and as such, I stayed completely dependent on my family rather than finding my own family to start and work towards.
In order to deal with this fear, I learned to control every aspect of my life including people. I became the A+ student, the teacher's pet, the “people-pleaser”. Even though my peers were not that impressed, I knew I had to please the adults at all costs. In high school, I was blessed with swimming talent and became the first freshman to swim varsity that year, breaking records left and right. Suddenly, I was incredibly popular with teachers, parents and finally, my peers. When I lost a uniform sweater that I was particularly attached to, I formed an intention in my mind that I would, at all costs, find that sweater if it took me the entire year! It didn't and I did find it. I share this with you to illustrate just how controlling I was in an effort to avoid the fear that chased me.
Everything came unglued for me when I started college. My entire high school social life was focused on my boyfriend (a track star to my swimming star) who I met when I was fourteen. He was one year older and together, we were going to save the world or at least, save the youth in the world! We were focused, motivated and totally committed. When he left for college that year before me, I lost my focus and commitment. I stopped swimming, tried out for the senior play and made it, started dating someone who was considered a “bad boy” (but wasn't) and somewhere in there, I fooled myself into thinking that I had rid myself of that awful fear – finally!
But, fear is a tricky business. If you don't face it, you don't end it...you cannot run from it and you cannot hide from it. You might be able to lull it into a corner where it sits quietly waiting for you to forget it is there and that is exactly what I did. I forgot about it until it got tired of sitting in that corner.
When I went off to college, I was a prime target for that fear. I no longer had parents asking me to achieve something. I no longer needed to perform for my teachers and make them happy. I was enrolled at UC Berkeley where everyone, especially as a freshman, was anonymous. The school was too large for there to be any other arrangement. At the time, I didn't realize this, but every one of my reasons for being were gone and suddenly I was lost. I had no idea how to create a life for myself. Most importantly, I didn't really even know who I was or what I wanted because I had spent so much time being defined by the people that I could please.
Over time, controlling the fear didn't work anymore and I was becoming depressed, anxious and angry. I had found therapy and a way to blame all of this dysfunction on everyone else. Unfortunately, that approach never really worked and certainly didn't free me from the fear; it only made me angrier.
Most importantly, the amount of time that I dedicated to avoiding fear kept me from finding out who I was and what I really wanted in this world. That made me even angrier – but at whom?
When my mother died in 1991, I was thirty years old and convinced that my fear of losing her is what caused her to die young. I remember noticing when my mom died what an impression she had made on everyone. People who only knew her briefly cried about her passing; the sad thing is she never knew just how much her light shown in this world. You see, she was also living in fear. She lived in fear her entire life and as a consequence, she never realized just how special she was to this world.
I look back at my twenties and thirties and realize the same thing. Although I made a huge impact on certain people in my life, I could never enjoy who I was because I really did not believe I was enough. So by the time my mother died, I was already a wreck. Add in my even deeper depression and anger and I was just searching for any way out. I found it in illness and chronic physical pain. The answer I thought, was in treating that physical pain and illness with a correct diagnosis, appropriate medical intervention and, of course, mind-numbing narcotics. Once again, I found a way to sedate the fear and return it to the corner.
All of this is something I am sharing with you because I want you to search your own story. Find out where you are hiding from fear and what that fear is about. Our entire world is built on and ruled by fear – fear that there is not enough, fear of differences and mainly, a fear that none of us will ever be enough. The media and governments keep this fear alive and use it to their advantage. The only way to keep the majority of people under the control of an elite few is to frighten the masses. Once they are sufficiently frightened, then this elite can swoop in and assure the panicked ones that they have an answer. The truth is that there is no real answer except to realize that there is really nothing to fear. Failing that, the elite few will always retain the power and it is in their best interest to maintain the illusion of fear so that the masses will remain submissive.
What are the results of fear in a society? I have already discussed control and anger. The other problem is judgment. People who are fearful are constantly working to identify a possible threat and that is usually other people. In order to stay one step ahead of the threat, we need to know what that threat is or who it is and what that person or persons is about. So we judge. We size them up to see if we can take them on or do we need to run away (fight or flight).
Often times, we first try to use ego to overpower our fear; in an effort to fool ourselves into thinking we are not the ones with a problem, we focus on others and judge continuously. By doing this, we always can blame someone else for our lack of power in life...we are the victim. Unfortunately, after a period of time, we find that we are not receiving the same satisfaction or escape from this pattern and we are forced once again, to look at ourselves.
I have also watched people acquire and hoard money in an attempt to control or diffuse their fear. The idea being that if they have enough cash flow, they will never be in a position to face something they cannot control or fix; however, this again is just avoiding the inevitable. There is never enough money to keep bad things from happening in life.
Control, anger, judgment, etc. all of these are very low frequency emotions. When we stay in anger, judgment and fear, we are vibrating as energy at a very low rate; this is what can cause illness in the body after a period of time. I would venture to say that, like me, most of my clients are incredible perfectionists who control every part of their lives as a result of the terrible fear they are living in.
Most importantly, fear and love are diametrically opposed. One cannot live in both at the same time. As long as you are running from or not facing your fear, you will never be able to truly find and stay in love. You might experience love for a period of time and during that time you will have raised your vibration high enough to feel that you are free from your fear, but it cannot last. Eventually, that fear will show itself and cause you to plummet to a low frequency once again. The two simply cannot occupy the same space for any length of time. Unfortunately, fear has been given so much power in most of our lives that it will win out.
When we have established a pattern over a lifetime, that pattern, even if it is detrimental to us, becomes familiar and what we know; leaving that well worn path can be more frightening and painful than the pain we are experiencing from the pattern itself and that is most often why people do not change. It is only through inspiration or desperation that we are prone to seek out a different way of being.
There are lots of resources out there that promise to help you eliminate fear! I have read and tried to use many of them, but to no avail. Change can happen in an instant, but it is the time leading up to that instant that usually takes the longest! People will change for one of two reasons – inspiration or desperation. In my case, sometimes it takes a bit of both!
Today, the fear was too great for me to continue the way I was going. I have developed heartburn which I have never had before. I am grinding my teeth and experiencing stomach pains. All the result of fear. Something had to change, but what? Finally, that small voice gave me the way...”Walk through your fear, beginning to end. See just what you are afraid of if you run out of money or don't have enough money.”
I forced myself to walk through this entire fear from beginning to end. What was I really afraid of? Am I more afraid of asking for help and appearing to be unsuccessful to my family or what is the fear really about? I thought it through slowly and in detail, from beginning to end – no money, becoming homeless, being afraid of living alone on the streets, being attacked, dying on the streets...Wait a minute, dying on the streets. And then, BOOM...it hit me! If the end result either way was death (from dying on the streets or suicide) what was the big deal? Just what was I so afraid of?
I was afraid of being afraid! That was it! And that was all it was...my fear of my fear! Once I saw this and felt it inside my essence, all the fear that I had kept for years just drained out of my body and as it did, I was lighter, relieved of all that burden!
So...there you have it. Fear of Fear! Remember when we were kids and there was a monster under the bed or in the closet? It inevitably grew larger and larger if we stayed in our beds and did not face it. But, once we found the flashlight and summoned up our courage to get out of bed, we found there was no monster at all – we had been afraid of being afraid!
I urge you all to take time to journal, draw or talk about your fear. Identify it...keep searching until you really, really find what it is you are afraid of and then walk it through from beginning to end. What is the absolute worst case scenario? See all of it in detail and when you get to the end, ask yourself if that worse case scenario is really all that bad?
David Hawkins in Power vs. Force states that every fear boils down to the fear of death. Once we eliminate that fear, we can be free from all the other fears in our life. Think about it...really digest that fear that you carry and decide if it is worth lugging it around or if maybe, just maybe you are only afraid of being afraid. And if so, then get out of bed and shine a light on that monster. I assure you, it will disappear instantly!
And the most beautiful part of eradicating fear? Faith. Once you allow that fear to drain out of your body, you can then fill up that space with faith and all that brings – blessings, comfort and miracles. Not a bad trade!
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Diving into the Deep End of Faith
In the last few months there has been a great deal of activity on an energy level. We are approaching a galactic alignment that only happens once in many thousands of years as well as experiencing a shift from the Age of Pisces into the Age of Aquarius. All of this has had an effect on humans, especially those of us who are extremely sensitive, intuitive and empathic. Woe to you if like me, you are all of these!
I have been struggling a great deal with my human ego side! Add to that a birthday this past week and I was almost completely undone by it all. My birthday was lovely although I had a bit of a meltdown when I received gifts of clothing which I had specifically told my family NOT to buy for me. Ever since the RSD and fibromyalgia, I have struggled with regulating my temperature and unfortunately, the struggle continues. I am unable to wear heavy materials or long sleeves unless they are cotton and somewhat loose; otherwise, I will get very warm and cannot cool off unless there is a walk in freezer nearby!
I felt that I had been exceptionally clear with my family about this, but apparently I was not heard. Needless to say, that has been the story my entire life so by the end of the weekend, stick a fork in me, I was done! I began to cry and let out years of anger at my family for all the perceived injustices done to and against me!
In addition to the birthday upset, I have tried for quite a while to include my family in my work.
Because they are not at all spiritual, they will not even attempt to understand what I do and they continue to hope and suggest that I will find a normal job! It has become so stressed that when we gather for family celebrations, no one will talk to me about anything because they are so fearful of opening up the can of worms called “Awaken to Spirit”.
My recent financial strain has also made life downright difficult. I have always had an unhealthy relationship to money. As a young person, I saved everything without know why I was saving it! I never understood that money must circulate to be useful or to even grow. My father was a child of the depression and as such, he learned that one must get a graduate degree or doctorate (He is an Oral Surgeon), work at a job for many years (even if you hate it) invest wisely and retire. Additionally, I always felt that we were controlled by money because my father wanted us to have everything that he never had as a child; unfortunately, my perspective was so different from his because I grew up in the 1970's!
After graduating from college and really not knowing who I was or what I was supposed to do, I ended up in a series of boring, go-nowhere jobs. I started my own business which was very successful but I did not understand anything about money at that time, so I became bored and ended up leaving that business for work in the film industry. Then I got sick and was unable to work for almost ten years. At the end of my illness I had lost everything. By the beginning of my forties, I had total poverty consciousness.
When I started working in healing and spirituality, I was convinced I had found my passion and because of this, I would not have any money problems from here on out! I did find my passion, but I was still operating from a place of fear and poverty consciousness when it came to money. I was forced to ask my father to loan me money and this did nothing to help our relationship. I understand completely why he would prefer that I work in a job with benefits and a retirement plan; however, I simply do not do well in that environment. The main point I am trying to make is this: by borrowing money from my father, I ended up taking on his belief system of fear and doubt. This was not intentional but I felt so guilty having to ask for money that I behaved as if I was less than. I did not want to behave as if I were prosperous because that would have been unfair to my father. But, that is exactly what I should have done! By acting as if I were less than and living in poverty consciousness, I kept attracting that same thing to me over and over again and that was more poverty and more less than belief.
As of Monday, I was in a very depressed place. Without understanding that my perspective was off and that my belief system was faulty, I began to blame my dad and my brother. I entertained the idea of severing my relationship with them in order to have the peace of mind and confidence to continue on with my own life and choices; however, doing this never felt right to me. I have always felt sad when hearing about families that do not speak or children that have no relationship to their parents. My mother passed away in 1991 of a sudden heart attack in her sleep and this was devastating to me. Because of this, I have tried even harder to have a bond with my dad and my brother; however, we are so different that this has not been easy.
I spoke with a close friend who wisely encouraged me to celebrate myself and slowly ween myself away from these negative influences. Unfortunately, I am an all or nothing kind of human when I am in my ego mindset, so I kept hearing that I needed to cut the cord and get away from these horrid folks!! Once I got quiet and sat in meditation and prayer, everything settled down. My chatter was able to go away and the hurt and anger I was rolling in also left!
Yesterday as I finished a third day of intense prayer and meditation, my epiphany came! I did not need to sever my relationship to either my father or my brother. What I needed to sever was the belief system I continued to carry around with me that was associated with my past. I was allowing myself to be hurt and upset by their lack of understanding because I was still believing the little girl part of me that said I AM NOT ENOUGH! I was not approaching the problem from a place of wholeness and divinity. I was trying to solve the problem from a very low frequency of human ego, pride and fear. As Einstein has so brilliantly said: A problem cannot be solved by the same vibrational frequency that created it – one must raise the frequency in order to find the solution and then apply it. (I am paraphrasing here)
I had placed all my eggs in the basket of needing approval from my father and brother thinking that if they did not support me emotionally and otherwise in my work, then that must mean something was wrong with me! I even went so far as to believe that their negativity was ruining my business! This was not conscious on my part. I was not walking around outwardly knowing that I was “less than”, but I was going through all the motions of life with this tiny, but powerful belief buried deep in my subconscious. This negative programming was affecting every aspect of my life.
Until I realized that I had placed more power in the approval of my family rather than giving ALL my power to faith and belief in God/Source/Creator, I was causing my own downfall. I was not terribly happy or content each day. My finances were a source of extreme stress. I was living in memories of the past when life was easier or I was projecting into the future waiting for a day when everything would be less of a struggle for me. I felt incredibly alone and isolated – often disappointed by others.
Now, all of this I knew was not my normal state of being. I have done enough work to know that something was off, but I was not sure what it was. I asked for guidance and clarity and boy did I get them! Once I saw that I was living in faith but only on the EDGE of it, I knew that it was time to dive into the deep end of faith and trust pool.
Years ago, I had a dream where I was riding a mule up the side of a steep, steep mountain that came to a plateau at the top. A group of us were on the experience and at the top of the mountain, we would leave our mule and walk to the edge of the mountain where we would jump off and make it safely to the bottom! When it was my turn, I found every excuse or reason NOT to go the edge and jump. Suddenly, in my dream there was a gift shop at the top where I could wander around and buy trinkets – which I did! In the entire dream, I was never able to take the leap of faith and jump. That dream has stayed with me all this time because I knew it was symbolic for me...I always knew that I would have to finally take that plunge and TRUST that I would be fine.
So today, I am diving into the middle of my faith and trusting solely in my oneness with God! I am leaving behind my past and ALL the beliefs that went with it. I feel as if my spiritual growth has taken a quantum leap in one day! I am living for today in the NOW of total freedom and love rather than recreating yesterday with past resentment or trying to predict tomorrow with fear of the future!
On a financial note, I have chosen to not go to my father for help when I need money. Instead, I am working on manifesting the money from Source/God/Creator because after all, God is the most qualified financial planner there is! This is a huge step for me as it regards faith. I did not realize that by taking the “safe” route and asking my father for help, I was literally saying to God “I don't trust you” and “I don't trust me”...In not trusting, I also was then opening myself up to negative energy and beliefs that were never my own.
By taking this leap of faith and releasing my need for approval and resources from my family, I have released all the resentment that I was storing within me. I am so grateful to my father for what he has done to help me and I am more grateful to him and my brother for what they have taught me. They agreed in spirit to often play the bad guys in my life out of their deep love for me so that I would learn some of my greatest lessons – what a sacrifice!
The following are two powerful lessons that I learned in the last few days:
Freedom is only attainable when living in the moment surrounded with and giving love.
No one has ever done anything to you...you have allowed it to be done to you and if it happened, you attracted it or needed it for soul growth. (I AM University)
My mantra for today and everyday from now on is: “Thy will, not mine be done. Thank you for the lesson.” (Paul Solomon)
Namaste!
PS..Let me explain what I believe an “epiphany” is. Put simply, they are moments when we look at something from an entirely new perspective and this gives us a true sense of understanding and freedom. So, in my case, although I have dealt with family issues and poverty consciousness for years, I was suddenly able to SEE both problems from an entirely new point of view! By doing this, I could also see the perfect solution....it's as if I simply moved out of my own shadow so I could see the panorama through sunlight more clearly! And what a view I finally had!!
I have been struggling a great deal with my human ego side! Add to that a birthday this past week and I was almost completely undone by it all. My birthday was lovely although I had a bit of a meltdown when I received gifts of clothing which I had specifically told my family NOT to buy for me. Ever since the RSD and fibromyalgia, I have struggled with regulating my temperature and unfortunately, the struggle continues. I am unable to wear heavy materials or long sleeves unless they are cotton and somewhat loose; otherwise, I will get very warm and cannot cool off unless there is a walk in freezer nearby!
I felt that I had been exceptionally clear with my family about this, but apparently I was not heard. Needless to say, that has been the story my entire life so by the end of the weekend, stick a fork in me, I was done! I began to cry and let out years of anger at my family for all the perceived injustices done to and against me!
In addition to the birthday upset, I have tried for quite a while to include my family in my work.
Because they are not at all spiritual, they will not even attempt to understand what I do and they continue to hope and suggest that I will find a normal job! It has become so stressed that when we gather for family celebrations, no one will talk to me about anything because they are so fearful of opening up the can of worms called “Awaken to Spirit”.
My recent financial strain has also made life downright difficult. I have always had an unhealthy relationship to money. As a young person, I saved everything without know why I was saving it! I never understood that money must circulate to be useful or to even grow. My father was a child of the depression and as such, he learned that one must get a graduate degree or doctorate (He is an Oral Surgeon), work at a job for many years (even if you hate it) invest wisely and retire. Additionally, I always felt that we were controlled by money because my father wanted us to have everything that he never had as a child; unfortunately, my perspective was so different from his because I grew up in the 1970's!
After graduating from college and really not knowing who I was or what I was supposed to do, I ended up in a series of boring, go-nowhere jobs. I started my own business which was very successful but I did not understand anything about money at that time, so I became bored and ended up leaving that business for work in the film industry. Then I got sick and was unable to work for almost ten years. At the end of my illness I had lost everything. By the beginning of my forties, I had total poverty consciousness.
When I started working in healing and spirituality, I was convinced I had found my passion and because of this, I would not have any money problems from here on out! I did find my passion, but I was still operating from a place of fear and poverty consciousness when it came to money. I was forced to ask my father to loan me money and this did nothing to help our relationship. I understand completely why he would prefer that I work in a job with benefits and a retirement plan; however, I simply do not do well in that environment. The main point I am trying to make is this: by borrowing money from my father, I ended up taking on his belief system of fear and doubt. This was not intentional but I felt so guilty having to ask for money that I behaved as if I was less than. I did not want to behave as if I were prosperous because that would have been unfair to my father. But, that is exactly what I should have done! By acting as if I were less than and living in poverty consciousness, I kept attracting that same thing to me over and over again and that was more poverty and more less than belief.
As of Monday, I was in a very depressed place. Without understanding that my perspective was off and that my belief system was faulty, I began to blame my dad and my brother. I entertained the idea of severing my relationship with them in order to have the peace of mind and confidence to continue on with my own life and choices; however, doing this never felt right to me. I have always felt sad when hearing about families that do not speak or children that have no relationship to their parents. My mother passed away in 1991 of a sudden heart attack in her sleep and this was devastating to me. Because of this, I have tried even harder to have a bond with my dad and my brother; however, we are so different that this has not been easy.
I spoke with a close friend who wisely encouraged me to celebrate myself and slowly ween myself away from these negative influences. Unfortunately, I am an all or nothing kind of human when I am in my ego mindset, so I kept hearing that I needed to cut the cord and get away from these horrid folks!! Once I got quiet and sat in meditation and prayer, everything settled down. My chatter was able to go away and the hurt and anger I was rolling in also left!
Yesterday as I finished a third day of intense prayer and meditation, my epiphany came! I did not need to sever my relationship to either my father or my brother. What I needed to sever was the belief system I continued to carry around with me that was associated with my past. I was allowing myself to be hurt and upset by their lack of understanding because I was still believing the little girl part of me that said I AM NOT ENOUGH! I was not approaching the problem from a place of wholeness and divinity. I was trying to solve the problem from a very low frequency of human ego, pride and fear. As Einstein has so brilliantly said: A problem cannot be solved by the same vibrational frequency that created it – one must raise the frequency in order to find the solution and then apply it. (I am paraphrasing here)
I had placed all my eggs in the basket of needing approval from my father and brother thinking that if they did not support me emotionally and otherwise in my work, then that must mean something was wrong with me! I even went so far as to believe that their negativity was ruining my business! This was not conscious on my part. I was not walking around outwardly knowing that I was “less than”, but I was going through all the motions of life with this tiny, but powerful belief buried deep in my subconscious. This negative programming was affecting every aspect of my life.
Until I realized that I had placed more power in the approval of my family rather than giving ALL my power to faith and belief in God/Source/Creator, I was causing my own downfall. I was not terribly happy or content each day. My finances were a source of extreme stress. I was living in memories of the past when life was easier or I was projecting into the future waiting for a day when everything would be less of a struggle for me. I felt incredibly alone and isolated – often disappointed by others.
Now, all of this I knew was not my normal state of being. I have done enough work to know that something was off, but I was not sure what it was. I asked for guidance and clarity and boy did I get them! Once I saw that I was living in faith but only on the EDGE of it, I knew that it was time to dive into the deep end of faith and trust pool.
Years ago, I had a dream where I was riding a mule up the side of a steep, steep mountain that came to a plateau at the top. A group of us were on the experience and at the top of the mountain, we would leave our mule and walk to the edge of the mountain where we would jump off and make it safely to the bottom! When it was my turn, I found every excuse or reason NOT to go the edge and jump. Suddenly, in my dream there was a gift shop at the top where I could wander around and buy trinkets – which I did! In the entire dream, I was never able to take the leap of faith and jump. That dream has stayed with me all this time because I knew it was symbolic for me...I always knew that I would have to finally take that plunge and TRUST that I would be fine.
So today, I am diving into the middle of my faith and trusting solely in my oneness with God! I am leaving behind my past and ALL the beliefs that went with it. I feel as if my spiritual growth has taken a quantum leap in one day! I am living for today in the NOW of total freedom and love rather than recreating yesterday with past resentment or trying to predict tomorrow with fear of the future!
On a financial note, I have chosen to not go to my father for help when I need money. Instead, I am working on manifesting the money from Source/God/Creator because after all, God is the most qualified financial planner there is! This is a huge step for me as it regards faith. I did not realize that by taking the “safe” route and asking my father for help, I was literally saying to God “I don't trust you” and “I don't trust me”...In not trusting, I also was then opening myself up to negative energy and beliefs that were never my own.
By taking this leap of faith and releasing my need for approval and resources from my family, I have released all the resentment that I was storing within me. I am so grateful to my father for what he has done to help me and I am more grateful to him and my brother for what they have taught me. They agreed in spirit to often play the bad guys in my life out of their deep love for me so that I would learn some of my greatest lessons – what a sacrifice!
The following are two powerful lessons that I learned in the last few days:
Freedom is only attainable when living in the moment surrounded with and giving love.
No one has ever done anything to you...you have allowed it to be done to you and if it happened, you attracted it or needed it for soul growth. (I AM University)
My mantra for today and everyday from now on is: “Thy will, not mine be done. Thank you for the lesson.” (Paul Solomon)
Namaste!
PS..Let me explain what I believe an “epiphany” is. Put simply, they are moments when we look at something from an entirely new perspective and this gives us a true sense of understanding and freedom. So, in my case, although I have dealt with family issues and poverty consciousness for years, I was suddenly able to SEE both problems from an entirely new point of view! By doing this, I could also see the perfect solution....it's as if I simply moved out of my own shadow so I could see the panorama through sunlight more clearly! And what a view I finally had!!
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